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08 November 2007

The Questions Never End ...

By: Kelley Lynn
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The annoying questions that other people ask you throughout your adult life are, well... annoying. Once you reach, say, the age of 23 or so (or younger if you don't attend college) people start with the annoying questions about your life plans. The questions usually run in stages; according to the different stages of your life. We have all heard them, and I think women get them a lot more than men do. But men, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

QUESTION #1: So, when are you getting married? 

 
Ummm, I don't know. Why don't you let me find a boyfriend that I actually LIKE first and who wants to marry me. More importantly, let me actually be involved in a relationship for awhile with a guy who ISN'T totally freaked out by the idea of getting married. Overbearing aunts, grandmothers, or office-coworkers constant nagging on the topic doesn't exactly help my cause. Why are other people so concerned with when YOU will get married anyway? It is as if they want and need for everyone else to do what THEY did; and if you don't, there is clearly something wrong with you. I got married "late," at age 35, so I got a LOT of this question. How do you tell people that you simply haven't met your future husband yet? THAT is when I will get married, and that is when I DID get married. When I found someone worthy of the title.

QUESTION #2: So, when is the wedding???

 

 

Okay, so when you finally DO get engaged; after endless years of people bugging you about doing so; these same people don't give you even five seconds with the ring on your finger before they start in with the wedding date. When is the wedding? Where will it be? I hope I'm invited! That is my favorite one of all: "I hope I am invited." What in the hell am I supposed to say to THAT? Because nine times out of ten, the person who says this is clearly NOT invited. I wish I had the ka-hunas to say, "Actually; person I barely know and only say Hi to because we work in the same office space, you are not invited. You were not even a thought on the Guest List; which, by the way, hasn't been created yet, because I have been engaged for 3 seconds. But if it WERE created, you wouldn't be on it. Ever. Never ever ever. Go away." But I am much too wimpy to say that. And I might even be so wimpy that I would invite them just to avoid the conflict. I suck.

QUESTION #3: Sooo, are you getting nervous? Are you excited?

 


 

This is a two parter. One usually follows the other. You nervous, you excited? This question starts popping up about two months before the wedding. People will sometimes preface it by saying something obvious like, "So, only two months before the wedding, huh?" Ummm, yup. And then they hit you with it. "You nervous? You excited?" I know it is a very innocent, "they mean well" type of question. But believe me, after you hear it literally over 50 times in a one week period, you start to become violent. I mean, how are you supposed to respond to this? Yes, I guess I'm nervous. I mean, I wasn't before, but NOW I am. And am I excited? Yes! Of course I am excited. Do you really think I am going to say, "Actually, no. I am not in the least bit excited about marrying the man I'm going to spend my life with. I could care less. But thanks for asking. You're a real trooper!"

QUESTION #4: Soooo, when are you gonna have kids?

 


Okay, this is quite possibly the most annoying of all the annoying questions. First of all; again, these people don't give you much time at all to get used to the idea of being married. In fact, some of them even start in with this line of questioning AT THE WEDDING. Or before the wedding. Or a week after the wedding. I don't mind it so much when it is family asking; because at least they know me. What I hate is when it is some co-worker, who I barely know or talk to, wants to know when I am having children and how many and why? And why do people assume that everyone on earth is planning on having kids anyway? What if I don't want them, or what if I'm unable to have children? I just think this line of questioning is a bit too personal for someone I am only acquaintences with. If I were to have kids, do you really think YOU would be the first person I would tell? Ummm, no. If you and I are close, then you will know. You won't have to ask. The end.

 

Now, if a few years go by, and you don't end up having kids; then Question #4 will continue until the end of time. If however, you DO have a child; then you would think the questions would stop, right? NO! They don't. They never stop. Then people start in with, "Soooo, will you be having more kids? How many? When? A little sister for baby Jimmy to play with? Awwww."

After the kids thing dies down, there really isn't much more to ask. Unfortunately, most people don't really care about all the other accomplishments in your life. I am starting my own business; I landed an agent ... but most people won't ask me about that stuff. They just want to be the first to know the minute I get pregnant. There is a woman at the office I work at who looks to be about in her seventies. She is always asking me when I am planning on having children. All the time. At least once a week. One of these days when she says, "Sooo, when will you be having kids?", I am going to come back with, "I don't know. When will you be dying? What are you, 70, 80? You're not looking so good. Maybe you should think about throwing in the towel. It's really time."

But that would be cruel. And I don't have the ka-hunas to go through with it. So instead, I hide behind my computer, typing out my frustrations in blog form.

What life questions annoy you? Comment here and let me know.

Email Kelley at Kelley@brideorama.com

Comments

  • Allison wrote on November 8, 3:59 pm:
    I was just talking to someone else about all this! So true... about a week before our wedding, I started getting the "when are the kids coming?" and I admit we married fairly young (or so people say, we're each 24). I just tell them I was ready to marry, but am not ready for kids. They can't comprehend that, so they shut up and ponder.

    Life questions annoy me in general, I swear people forget anything else about me. Like I got a great job right out of college, I love to travel and have seen some great places, I could go on. But why ask about that? No, let's ask when you're going to have kids, or the famous "how's married life treating you?" Next time someone asks, I'm going to say horrible and start ranting about how my husband won't pick up his dirty boxers and I keep finding socks in the couch (which in all honesty I could care less about). But I'll get them to shut up..

    Great column!
    reply to comment
  • kelleyatbrideorama wrote on November 8, 11:23 pm:
    Thanks Allison! It really IS true isnt it? And I really think that women get bombarded with this much more than men do. The worst people are the co-workers at the office, I swear. I dont even KNOW these people, yet they have this need to know the instant I get pregnant? What I dont get is WHY other females care sooo much about this? The whole thing is just weird to me.
    reply to comment
  • lori83 wrote on November 12, 11:21 am:
    I really enjoyed that Kelley Lynn! Great job, again. I don't remember people asking me those questions. That could be because I was married when I was 18 and had my daughter when I was 20. I didn't give people the time to ask. But now I get the question....'Any grandchildren yet?' and 'soooo are you a grandma yet?'. Someone asked me that 6 months after my daughter was married. She's only 22 and he's 24, she just got married!! Jeez, I am only 42 do I look like I should be a grandma? Yesterday my sister in law asked if they have started the adoption process yet. (My daughter and son in law will have to adopt should they decide they want children in the future.) I am glad she asked me and not my daughter because I put her in her place pretty darn fast and I don't think she'll even consider asking my daughter that.....ever! I don't get it either. I think too many females don't really think before they speak, maybe they haven't had those questions asked of them or they just don't care how they make people feel.
    reply to comment
  • littleroo wrote on November 12, 11:49 am:
    This was a good one Kelley! We were together for 16 years before getting married and really didn't get harassed as much as you might think. Like you said, those close to us didn't have to ask. But my now step-mother in law was bad about stuff like that--ie: when are you going to have him buy you a house? Well, hello, we aren't even married and I'm not in this relationship for a house anyway. Well, one year when we were on our way to their house for Christmas, we made up a list of smart a$$ answers for when she asked when we were getting married. "As soon as the divorce is final." "Some time in the next 9 months" "As soon as the CIA clearance comes through" "As soon as his dad gets rid of you". Of course they were all funny and things I would never have the ka-honas to say. LOL
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  • Bryan Moore wrote on November 12, 12:24 pm:
    Not only is it true that women get these questions more than men, but my family carried it one step further. My own family bugged my girlfriend with these questions, not me. So she got the questions from her family and MY family, and I got them from hardly anyone!

    I don't know why it works that way, I guess everyone just assumes that the woman has the strongest desires in these areas, or the most control maybe? I don't know, it's perplexing, but it's true, Kelley, the questions never end.

    After our first born was only 2 months old, MY mother started bugging my wife about when grandchild number 2 was going to come. We've resigned ourselves to the fact that the questions never end; and in the area of grandchildren we just smile b/c we know it is a grandparent's right to want the pure enjoyment - forget the fact that we have to work 8 jobs to be able to afford them - LOL!
    reply to comment
  • lilysolovely wrote on November 12, 3:34 pm:
    LOL! I read this in the morning and just got back from lunch with my co-workers, all men (3) - apparently they get these questions quite often (often enough for the conversation to come up between us all and I never mentioned this blog I just read, lol) - and from all different sources. One from his mom, one from his soon-to-be fiance and the other is newly engaged to a woman with kids, so he has finally gotten beyone that leg of the tour, lol. However, the one whose mom is pestering him about KIDS is the only one of us who is not about to be married!! GO FIGURE?!?!
    My dad used to do the kids thing when I was married the first time - but I stay adamant that I don't want them - so when people ask me, I simply say ' never' -or if I am particularly peeved by rampaging kids in the store, the answer becomes ' when hell freezes over' and they sometimes have the nerve to ask 'why not' - grrrr - do you even have to ask?? Your have one on your hip, one pulling on your skirt - so your bra strap is showing and your panties are fast parading into view; your hair is a straggled mess, you have something icky on the sweater you are wearing and oh wow, now it's time to go "mop the poop deck" - oh yeah, sign me up, sign me up! - "kids are great, as long as they are not mine" - and I will end my kids tirade on that note...another handy 'shut'em up ' tool in my kit.

    Now my dad is onto the house buying kick and how much less expensive it would be for us now that it's a buyer's market - I JUST moved for the umpteenth time, we are not ready for the house, thanks. Great blog Kel!!
    reply to comment
  • kelleyatbrideorama wrote on November 16, 11:37 am:
    My parents are always on me about buying ahouse too, and we just cannot . I dont even know if we want that. But it is good to hear about all this from the male perspective too... so thanks Bryan and Lily for having those conversations with guys on the topic! i wonder if women who never marry at all get the questions about when will you get married their ENTIRE LIVES???!!! Cuz thats gotta suck... I feel for them if they do.
    reply to comment
  • Angel wrote on January 3, 12:30 pm:
    This reminds me of these life questions:

    http://www.weddingbee.com/2007/11/06/so-hows-the-wedding-planning/
    reply to comment
  • Diana Tedone (guest) wrote on March 26, 2:07 am:
    I think that this all ties back to the notion that a woman is not truly a woman unless she is a wife and a mother. I would add: and is reproducing like a RABBIT. And yet if she is able to have the 5-8 kids required to make the questions stop, friends and relatives (especially the women who cannot reproduce) become angry.

    I'm still at the "when are you getting married" stage.

    I just got my English Lit degree and graduated cum laude. I'm looking forward to starting my career, in which I hope to accomplish many things. For the present moment, marriage, motherhood and apple pie are not on my agenda. Well, maybe the apple pie.

    I figure that there are plenty of people out there in the world. There really isn't any help that is needed from me to add to the planet's population. Unless the need to bear a child becomes dire (i.e., I was the LAST WOMAN ON EARTH), the "when are you..." comments are completely unjustified.

    "When are you..." is never the beginning of a satisfying conversation.
    reply to comment

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