"MY WIFE IS A NAG!" and other stereotypes about Marriage
While I was searching Youtube today for some "funny" wedding related videos to use in my blogs here at Brideorama, I started to get extremely frustrated. And not only me, but my husband; who was watching these videos with me. We would open one, give it a minute or two, listen intently awaiting the big payoff laughter to ensue; and then give up, soon realizing there was NO laughter to be had. Why? Because 9 out of 10 of these videos were about the same old thing; men complaining that their wives NAG them. Two men sitting around talking; one telling the other about his incredibly nagging wife. One sketch comedy show did a bit about a fake product that listened to the nagging and told you what to say as a reply for a small fee. Another scene showed a woman accidentally cutting herself while chopping vegetables. When she begged her husband to please call 911, he lazily picked up the phone saying, " I suppose you want me to clean up this mess while you're laying around in the hospital too, right?" I will not post the video here, because I do not want to put any of my readers through such painfully unfunny "comedy." The fact that the people in the video look like they just graduated from the Conrad Banes School of Acting doesn't exactly help things. But I digress...
Look, I have a sense of humor. I am a comedian, so I have a very good sense of humor actually. So watching these videos does not offend me as a wife or as a woman. They offend me as a comedian! (Much like Seinfeld said on his show when he found out his dentist was becoming Jewish so he could tell Jewish jokes. "So you're offended as a Jew?" Kramer asked. "No," Jerry answered, "I'm offended as a comedian!" - I feel your pain Jerry) I just happen to think that there are a whole slew of stereotypes floating around out there about marriage; most of which are severely untrue. At least from where I stand. I mean c'mon; your wife nags you? Really? That's the best joke you can come up with about marriage? I am sure that some wives do nag; just as some husbands are probably lazy pieces of crap who deserve to be nagged at! But that is certainly not what I see all around me, or in my own marriage. I am not a nag. I do not treat my husband as if I am his mother. He already has one of those, and as far as I know, he doesn't want another one. So unless you have something NEW to say on the topic of nagging wives, let's just put away that annoying word for a long time, shall we?
And while we are on the topic, here are some other stereotypes about marriage that annoy me:
MARRIED WOMEN NEVER WANT TO HAVE SEX
This is another old, boring, tired topic. The whole "I have a headache" thing went out a long time ago, didn't it? I mean honestly, who actually says that anymore? Nobody that I know. Or, "I'm not in the mood." Sure, sometimes women feel this way, but men make it sound as if women are saying this every single day. Personally; if you want to know the truth, I am in the mood MUCH more than my husband most times. Anyone else out there with me? (I really hope he doesn't read this) I think that the whole idea that sex stops when you get married is just crazy. If anything, it should get better with time spent together. I also think that when it comes to sex, it all depends on the couple. Every relationship is different. Couple A might be happy having sex once a week, while couple B is happy having it five times per week. I am not going to say where we fall in that range, but the concept of an "average" amount of times to have sex is ridiculous. There is no such thing as "average." Everyone is different.
WOMEN GAIN WEIGHT AFTER THEY GET MARRIED
This is another one that I hear men joking about all the time; how their wives gained 10 or 20 pounds over time. Usually they are having this conversation as they lounge around on the couch watching football together; their baseball hats covering their balding heads, and their oversized sweatshirts and jeans hiding the huge gut underneath. You know what? People gain weight. It happens. It's called life. So unless you are looking in the mirror and seeing a young strapping Brad Pitt staring back, please don't expect your wives to be some perfect little Barbie doll while you exercise your remote control arm to put on the latest Playstation game. Really, I think any man who criticizes his wife for gaining a few pounds is only hiding the insecurities they feel about their own self. I know; that was really deep. Don't mistake me for Dr. Phil. This is why I have so much respect for couples who work out together, lose weight together, stay healthy together. It says so much about a relationship when you are both making these things an important part of your life. Together.
THE MAN LOSES HIS FREEDOM WHEN HE GETS MARRIED
This one kind of makes me mad. The whole "walking the plank" thing that men joke about with marriage; the whole "whatever you say dear, you're always right dear" thing. Again, if I hadn't heard this same hack joke a thousand times, I might laugh. But it's old now, and not all that funny. I do not think this is true at all. Put it this way: if any man out there feels that he has lost his sense of self by getting married; that you have no say in anything that happens between you and your wife; well that is your fault! You are choosing to be passive and spineless in your relationship, and you are letting your wife walk all over you. If you have something to say, men; say it! If there is something you'd like to do, tell us! Really, we would love to know these things. Usually when my husband is silent about something, (where to go for dinner, what we should do over the weekend, etc) I will just take it upon myself to make a decision and make plans for us. If I didn't, we would never go anywhere, ever!!! I'm serious. We would just sit in a chair, day after day, staring at one another. So, if you don't have anything to offer, then don't accuse us of taking too much control. Get it? Good.
And now I shall leave you with the shortest of the lame "marriage" videos that I scanned through today. It doesn't seem fair that I had to suffer alone by watching all of these; so we will compromise. I am sharing with you the shortest, most painless of the bunch. But it's still pretty bad. This one comes from A DAN AMONGST DANS. Enjoy!
What marriage stereotypes do you hate? Leave me your comments here.
Email Kelley at kelley@brideorama.com
Brideorama, blog, Weddings, kelleylynn, marriage, stereotypes, nagging wives, married sex, gaining weight.
KELLEY IS SO AWESOME!!!! I JUST LOVE READING HER COLUMN AND LOOK FORWARD TO IT EACH WEEK!! SHE IS DOWN TO EARTH AND TELLS IT LIKE IT REALLY IS..KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON KELLEY!!!
YOU ROCK!!
Ummm...thanks Mom.
As usual, another terrific blog. But what I loved most was your mom's comment. And your response. How cute.
My pet peeve is that like 5 different people asked me if I was going to quit working now that I am married. Umm, we lived together before, so financially nothing really changed. So what, does getting married come with a big bonus that I was unaware of and now we can afford for me to stay home and eat bon-bons???
THis was a great one!!! I so hate ALL those marriage stereotypes, especially the sex one seems ridiculous. I mean really, no WAY does that apply to us, but I think it's a great idea to try to avoid generalizations all the time, in marriage, at work, in everything. We can see how silly the marriage ones are, but, I think the gender ones, the racial ones, or ethnic ones, etc, are just as annoying and ridiculous.
And yes, the income one. hey...my income is THE SAME as my husbands. And, if I did want to go into private practice, it'd be 30,000 - 50-000 MORE to start...but I don't, so it's equal to his. it is NOT some teeny tiny amount that makes no difference and no...duh...obviously i'm not quitting cause we got married, but, people have asked and his ex STILL insists on believing that HE supports ME. ha. oh well.
And so again, great article Kelley and Happy, Happy, Anniversary!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've been married 3 years now and it's great to see common marital situations portrayed with humor, but yet in a way that can still give you insight.
Oh yeah, and about the stereotype that married women never want to have sex - a few jokes come to mind. One: Rodney Dangerfield complained to his wife that she never tells him when she's having an orgasm; she replied, "Well I would, but you're never around." Two: There is a food that a woman can eat that will successfully kill her libido instantly, what is that food? Answer: Wedding cake!
I happen to like those jokes, even though they might perpetuate the stereotype that we know isn't necessarily true. Married women want to have sex, just not always with their husbands! LOL.
Great blog Kelley! There are a ton of stereotypes about everything. Raising kids of color I've heard more then my share. I agree that they can be funny when done in parody. When done well it can be hilarious. It is just terribly sad when people believe them to be true.
My DH and I are pretty traditional and I hate having to explain that he is not controlling. We do look pretty old fashioned. I stay home and do all the shopping, cooking, laundry, cleaning, card and letter writing, etc. He does all of the yard stuff and the honey do's I give him. This is our choice, we are equals. He is Native American and at Tribal events I wear long skirts, cover my shoulders with a shawl or cape, and stay either to his left or behind him. I realize that to outsiders I look very subservient but I am not. I am female and he is male so we are different, equal but different. I feel my personal power just fine, thank you.
Recently I have decided to take up the cause of defending housewives. Wasn't all the work women have done about giving us choice? In the process of getting the wonderful freedom we now have we somehow devalued homemaking along the way. It became a nothing, just a housewife. We had to find new words, stay at home mom, homemaker, domestic goddess and if we are that we say it with an apology. It is insane.
Let me tell you, I am proud of being a housewife. My DH loves knowing that I take care of our home. He loves coming home to a home cooked dinner. He really loves how much money we save now that I cook and bake from scratch. I am in L.A. visiting a friend now and my freezer is stocked with homemade meals I prepared for my family to have while I am here. My family and friends love knowing that they are welcome to come over for a home cooked breakfast, lunch, or dinner anytime at all. I can't imagine what I have to be ashamed of.
I hate that there are so many stereotypes out there. As a housewife to that "Savage" husband of mine I know we get misjudged sometimes. People who know me well know that I am happier now then I have ever been before. I am finally living my life in a way that represents who I am on the inside.
I do think someone could make a good funny out of a curler and housecoat wearing wife living in a tee pee.....
Great Blog Kelley! Stereotypes be gone! All relationships are different...all people are different. I also hate the "when will you have children"....I personally already had a daughter prior to getting married. But, you know what I don't want another child. And just because we are now married is supposed to mean that I am merley a baby making machine? That is what I should be doing? Pro-creating? Who made up that rule? I honestly think all the stereotypes and "judgements" on marriage such as "Why get married man...the sex will stop!" or "She will just gain weight after you marry her" "there goes all your freedom...no more guys night" were actually made up by MISERABLE men who could never get anyone to marry them in the first place..therefore (misery loves company) they have to try to convince a HAPPY man about to get married that he is ruining his life!
I love this one Kel - and I get to rant about the sterotype that says 'MEN are TRAPPED' if they get marrried - ????
I say that men just don't want to get up off their bums and DO anything anymore...or they wait for US to plan it - and THEN we do have to bug them about getting up off their bum to DO it. It's not like they had some burning need to go here or there and we are disallowing these things - they are just more lazy and not motivated to GO anywhere and DO STUFF - AT ALL!
Give my FH a day off and he will sit on the couch ALL day - ummm, so how is that being trapped if you are a willing trapeze?? LOLOL - I think that old stereotype was propogated by the men WANTING an excuse to sit on the couch all day!!!
Sorry, but every single one of these stereotypes is totally true.
You will be astonished at how quickly your wife will gain pounds even the very first year that you are married. Why? Because she doesn't have to be attractive ever again. She's married: Mission accomplished. (Some women seem to wait until they have children before they completely toss in the towel.)
Your freedom, as a man, is nearly totally gone, and not even in the way you think it will be. It's not just that you'll lose the freedom of the occasional one night stand, or the weekends at the bar with your friends -- it's that you'll lose the ability to make a single decision without consulting your better half. Want to go see a movie alone? You'll have to explain where you are. Feel like bringing home friends for a beer? You'll have to call ahead and get permission. Every decision, no matter how minor, will now have to be decided by two people, and eventually you'll give up and just let her make all the decisions because it's just easier.
You will stop going out with friends. From now on you will only go out with other couples. And you will find this mildly interesting at first, and then quickly realize that it is incredibly boring and almost never fun.
By this point, you will incredibly bored and unhappy with your marriage -- and wife's boredom and unhappiness will be apparent with every pound she gains. (And don't let those occasional "diets" or three week spurts at the gym raise your hopes -- get it through your head that your wife will never be thin and attractive again, because she has no motivation too. If you suddenly left her, or if she suddenly began to be interested in another man -- THEN you'd see rapid weightloss, toning, new hairstyles, etc. within the course of a few weeks.)
So, no wonder there's no sex either.
Yeah, this should generate a lot of flames, and a lot of attacks on the basis of supposed misogyny.
But this is the truth, and don't say it won't happen to you until you've been married at least 5 years. If it doesn't you are one of the very rare lucky ones.