Dear Amy...
"My family is getting too involved in the planning of the wedding. The problem is that they are putting up a lot of the cash, so I don't know how to say No to their ideas without making anyone angry. What do I do? Help!"
Ah money. The root of all Evil. When it comes to weddings, there is nothing that complicates things more than money. (unless you have members of your wedding party who happen to be Ninjas, but that was last week's question. I digress.) That little green piece of paper can cause so much stress, and so many issues, can't it? That is why I think you should just simply take your family's money and run far far away to a private island to marry the man of your dreams. Okay, that is a bit harsh and probably unfair ... so let us take a different approach.
You need to start making some decisions about which parts of your wedding are most important to you. Some battles are just not worth fighting for, while others might be well worth the battle. For example, if your mom is insisting that you have sugar cookies with your names on them as a favor; is this really something to waste your time getting angry about and arguing about, especially if she is putting out the money for it? I don't think so. However, something more substantial like you wanting to write your own vows or have some control over special songs that are played during the ceremony; these things are more personal decisions that should be a reflection of you. In the end, it is your wedding and you want it to represent who you and your fiance are as people; not who your parents are and what THEY want. Unfortunately, sometimes when a family offers to pay for a child's wedding, they also tend to want control over all the little details. This can cause problems, as you have seen. My advice is to pick your battles, and learn to let some things go. Decide what is really important to you, and talk to your family about those things. If they really won't budge, you might have to offer to pay for that particular part of the wedding yourself so that you can have it your way. So if mom insists on red roses but you want yellow, then pay for the flowers yourself and explain to your mom that this is what you want. The most important thing is that you remember to sit down with your family and talk all of this out together. Try not to let the money become the evil that comes between you. Do not let that happen. Having someone offer to pay for most of your wedding can be a curse or a blessing. It is really up to you. Let it be a blessing by remaining open, understanding, and grateful for the help.
Lastly, try not to look at things as "saying no." There are a lot of places where you can work together to compromise so that you will both be happy with the result. If mom and dad want to invite kids and you say No way ... compromise and only invite children of immediate family members, but not children of friends. Another good idea is to give your family a specific job. They obviously want to help, so choose an area or two of the wedding in which you don't mind giving up the reigns .. and hand them over to mom and dad. Tell them, "You know, choosing linens is not really my strongest area. I would love it if you would take over that part of the planning for me. " This way you remain in control, while also including your family. If you play your cards right, you could end up bonding with your family while planning your wedding. Thats what happened with me and my mom while planning mine together. We had a lot of fun putting our heads together and coming up with ideas. Try to remember that your family is doing something nice for you by putting up a lot of the finances for the wedding. It really is a beautiful thing when you think about it. Happy planning Amy!
Email Kelley at kelley@brideorama.com
wedding, Brideorama, blog, kelley lynn, planning, family issues, money, sugar cookies, favors, linens, centerpieces.
Great advice! Compromise is an integral part of marriage - and using this time while planning, to learn the ways of this art is VERY important in dealing with bigger things to come.
Sometimes, they might not realize they're being controlling or bossy...it might be excitement gone overboard. Anyway, with my two girls I'm trying real hard not to be pushy...except that the budget has limits, they can pick and choose what they want as they want it. Of course, they aren't being unreasonable either, and are just grateful for the help that we can offer them, which is by no means enough for any elaborate, huge, formal wedding anyway..but it will be enough if they do some DIY things and watch the budget carefully, for them to have a unique, beautiful day which represents who they are. Your advice is great, as always!!!